Slightly disturbing Christmas songs, ho ho ho!

[Editor’s Note: We originally published this article three years ago. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it right? ]
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It’s that time of year again! One of the best things about Christmas (besides those sweet porcelain villages complete with a horse-drawn carriage, woman in a petticoat and a town crier standing outside the church) is the music.
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Sure, everybody has their favorite Christmas jingle, but have you actually listened to the lyrics of some of these songs?

 

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause by the Jackson 5

I’ve always found this song to be quite alarming. Mostly because of who’s singing it– that’s right, Jacko himself. And it’s not so much MJ’s pre-pubescent (and pre-vitaligo) vocals that bother me. It’s the fact that it would definitely not go over well with Papa Joe to see his wife kissing another man. I can’t help but grimace at the irony in “what a laugh it would have been / if daddy had only seen / mommy kissing santa clause last night” I think that would probably be the farthest thing from a laugh possible. Joe Jackson would most likely club Santa to death, hide the body in his sons’ floorboards and effectively ruin Christmas for everyone. What a jerk. “I really did, I really did see Mommy kissing Santa Clause / And I’m gonna’ tell my Daddy” Are you sure that’s such a good idea, Michael?

Baby, It’s Cold Outside by Dean Martin

This song must have been the embodiment of the 1950s pushy male.“My mother will start to worry (Hey beautiful, what’s your hurry) / And father will be pacing the floor (Listen to that fireplace roar) / So really, I’d better scurry (Beautiful, please don’t hurry)/ Well, maybe just a half a drink more (Put some music on while I pour)” We’re not even halfway through the song and already this dude is laying the pressure on thick. And when that doesn’t work, he gives it the old college try and liquors the girl up. “The neighbors might think (Baby, it’s bad out there)/ Say, what’s in this drink (No cabs to be had out there)” What’s in your drink? Roofies. Isn’t it obvious? And now since you’ve left all your friends at a party to go have a one-night stand, you’re screwed because there’s no cabs and the guy who you thought was such a great dancer hours ago has slashed your tires and hid your cellphone. Merry Christmas!

Rudolph the Red-nose Reindeer by Gene Autry

This is an easy one. Classic case of somebody being ostracized for their differences and ridiculed by their peers. They wouldn’t even let him play reindeer games (You know, “Reindeer Games,” released in 2000 starring Ben Affleck and Charleze Theron?) And, just like the high school nerd who turns into a millionaire with a supermodel girlfriend, as soon as Santa needs Rudolph to save Christmas everybody loves him and wants to be his bffl. “Rudolph with your nose so bright / Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight? / then how the reindeer loved him” I’m glad we’re teaching our children the importance of acceptance. Remember: different = bad.

Santa Clause is Coming to Town by Gene Autry

A song about an omnipresent being who judges you based on your behavior and will punish you if he deems you “bad?” Is this Sunday school or a Christmas song? Just kidding– Santa is way more like a serial killer than he is God. I mean, he watches you sleep and knows when you’re awake, not to mention the hit-list he’s always carrying around (and checking twice). And while I don’t know what kind of parents would willingly let such a stalker into their home, you’ve got to respect somebody who knows how to lay down the law… Upon further investigation, Santa might just be a pedophile. I mean, can he really see everything? Luckily by the time little Johnny learns how to masturbate he’ll most likely have stopped believing in Santa clause. And God.