5 Things That Might Make You Feel Better About Getting Dumped

Find out why Don Draper is good for a broken heart.

In the space between the time that you’re born and the time that you’re married, it’s inevitable that you’ll experience some type of heartbreak–and probably more than once. Getting dumped is almost a rite of passage in your transition from Young And Naive Human to Jaded And Knowing Adult.

Even the hottest, coolest, and most badass of us are not immune to such things–Lord knows I have dealt with my fair share of rejection, and I f*cking rule. But more important than how you got dumped, it’s how you handle getting dumped that really separates the men from the boys. Read on for some tips that will help take you from zero to hero during this trying emotional time…

I didn’t think I’d ever get over the breakup of Carrie and Aidan. She wasn’t good enough for him, dammit!

1. Have Sex as Soon as Humanly Possible*
Have sex immediately, with everyone and anyone. Nobody around? Head to the closest public place, close your eyes, spin in a circle and point to the winner. Congrats Magdalena, my friendly 24-hour laundromat attendant, today is your lucky day! Sure, you run the risk of feeling empty inside after meaningless sex with a complete stranger (better get used to that feeling, Single Sally), but there really is truth to the old adage “the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody.” Being able to say that the last peen you had wasn’t the same sword that stabbed a hole through your–ahem–heart just makes you feel better. Also, you’ll feel badass knowing that while your ex thinks you’re sitting at home licking your wounds you’re out licking somebody else’s… wounds. Eh, who are we kidding, he/she probably isn’t thinking of you.

2. Smoke a Ton of Weed…
During a breakup, smoking weed has a way of giving your hamster wheel of a mind a bit of a break, and allows you to see clarity on the now-defunct relationship: “Could I really put up with the fact that my ex [insert concession that you were making for a relationship that was doomed for failure from the get-go]?” You’ll find that once you’re high, all of those cutesy things you and your old flame used to say to each other are a helluva lot less cute, and instead cringeworthy. “Did I really call him pookie bear? What the fuck? I don’t talk like that–I don’t even know what a pookie bear is.” Then, depending on how good your weed is, you can wax poetic with your roommate about if a pookie bear were a real animal, what it would look like and what it would eat. Is it an herbivore or an omnivore? In what kind of climate would it roam? See, I bet you haven’t thought about getting your ass dumped in at least five minutes.

Does this look like somebody who gives a f*ck about anything? Exactly.

3. …But Lay off the Booze.
Unless directly correlating with number one, I’d suggest avoiding copious booze consumption for the first leg of your post-relationship trauma. It’s a depressant, and will inevitably end in you feeling sad, lonely and miserable. This is not to be confused with the round-the-clock feelings of sadness, loneliness and misery that you’ll wrestle with for the days, weeks, months (God, how much longer) following a breakup. Also, with every vodka-soda you consume, the percent chance of you texting your ex increases. Take it from me, a girl who once got so drunk she decided it would be a good idea to send an ex-boyfriend (whom I hadn’t spoken to in almost a year) an e-card just to say “hello”–at three o’clock in the morning.


4. Borrow Your Friend’s Netflix Account and Start Watching Mad Men

What better way to escape your own miserable reality than by entering into somebody else’s? If you’re going to lay in your bed all day anyway, you may as well take up watching a TV show. Plus, once you’re back in the saddle, you can add it to the “Favorite Television Shows” section of your OKCupid profile, and it’ll be a good talking point for you and your rebound. I found solace in Don Draper: A suave and sexy businessman from the 60s, who works as the creative director for a booming advertising agency in New York City. Torn between his past and present, temptation and morality, Don – as well as the audience – struggle to decipher the man behind the mystery. Personally, I struggle to decipher what it is about Jon Hamm that I find so appealing. Is it his voice, his body, his character’s utter disregard for anybody but himself? Damn, he’s sexy. I wonder if he’s single…

I bet this guy is having a way worse day than you.

5. Compare Your Life to the Life of Somebody With Real Problems
Did you know that in the last five minutes 20,000 children died of starvation in Zimbabwe, 11,000 Africans just contracted the AIDS virus, and Lindsey Lohan just got her 80th DUI? Pussy Riot is still in jail, for Christ’s sake! The point is, even at your most down-trodden there is always somebody somewhere who is having a much shittier time than you. It’s hard to feel bad for yourself when you turn to the left and see a mother/daughter duo panhandling for change, and you turn to the right and notice the legless man hoisting himself inside the 4-5-6 train on crowded Monday commute. Shit, you turned too far to the right and saw the couple canoodling on the subway platform. I know .. I hate them, too.

*JK, Mom and Dad!

Advertisements

Comments

  1. Lolol! Love this kid.

  2. Agreed! I always think back to that godawful breakup I had in college (remember when I told you the twenty minute version of that anecdote?) and my way of coping was to double-up on antidepressants and watch a lot of “Grey’s Anatomy” and occasionally read his AIM away messages hoping for hope.

    Flash forward to the older/wiser me, and I would have still not drank (SO TRUE, such a terrible idea when you’re depressed), but definitely would have smoked. For god’s sake, i was in Ithaca, NY, I practically got a contact high getting the mail!

    Hang tough. It goes away when it’s ready. We have no say in the matter. We can only follow the breadcrumbs and imagine what Jon Hamm looks like bending over in a bathrobe.

  3. After the Mad Men and Homeland marathon this weekend I am bored with real life. So much more exciting and seriously… being a terrorist is exhausting. No time to think of my own probs.

  4. SL SL SL SEE I KNEW YOU WOULD LIKE MAD MEN! WHY AM I TYPIN IN CAPS?!!!! That whole, ” I thought it was you who had started watching season 1″, when I knew that would get you intrigued haha Yea I am smat

  5. shut up!!!!! you little trickster!

  6. “Pussy Riot is still in jail, for Christ’s sake!”

    I LOL’d. I miss you. I hope you weren’t just dumped because eff that.

  7. personal pain makes for howlarious entertainment! Seriously, better come back to the Manor.

  8. You know..Dad dumped me once…look how he’s been paying for that move!

  9. ang, this is hilarious and way funnier than the super-emo blog i wrote when i went through my breakup….dammit!! haha:)

  10. Anal. Definitely have a lot of anal and be sure to bl*w him after the anal it will mean you forget all about ur ex.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: