How to not be an asshole at concerts.

Since I was twelve years old, all I ever wanted to do was go see live music.

I’d legitimately lay in bed at night and worry that- without a license, money and friends that liked the same music as me- I’d never be able to see any of the bands I loved, and would lead a miserable unfulfilled life.

Well, that didn’t happen, and in the last 12 years I’ve gone to more concerts than I can even remember. And since my move to New York City over a year ago, my average is at an all-time high.

With hundreds of shows under my 24-year-old belt, I’ve seen a lot of good and I’ve seen a lot of bad. Read on to find out how you can avoid falling into the latter category…


1. Put your hair in a ponytail
I’m mostly talking to you, ladies, but my long-locked men are not exempt. Keep in mind that this rule does not refer to a large venue, like an amphitheater or arena. But if I had a quarter for every sweaty-ass (literally, my ass was sweating) basement or club show I’ve been to where some chick’s disgusting hair was sticking to my face while I was trying to get my skank on, I would be rich. And then I’d use that money to buy a hair-tie for whichever 16-year-old girl was standing in front of me, more concerned with style than function. Little does she know I’m chewing on her split ends. I was at a Big D and the Kids Table show once- the epitome of said sweaty-ass skankfest- and actually went so far as to politely ask the girl in front of me if she’d mind putting her hair up “because it keeps getting in my mouth,” annnddd she said no. Didn’t matter much because I eventually wiggled my way past her and onto the stage, but STILL! Rude.

Unofficial rule of concert-going: Don't get freaked out if this happens to your legs and feet.

2. Don’t get mad that I’m standing in front of you
I get it: You’ve been waiting here for hours and this is your favorite band and you haven’t seen them since 1996 when they played their final show at Radio City Music Hall and you’ve been holding in your pee for six hours. And I respect that. But this is a concert, and I like the band too, so don’t get so pissy when I move past you. (*Note: Exception to this rule is couples, as explained in #4.) I was at a Primus show recently, making my way closer to the front, when I heard an annoyed girl say to her friend, “why is everybody cutting us?” I’m sorry- I didn’t realize general admission actually meant assigned seating! Of course, you can’t always get to the front, and yes it’s dick to try and wiggle somebody away from the guard rail, but you better believe I’m always going to try.

3. Keep the PDA to a minimum
“You were making out during Schindler’s List?!” OK, not quite the same thing as making out during a concert, but there’s nothing more irritating than the couple that just won’t keep their paws off of each other. I get freaked out by PDA normally (re: jealousy), and I cannot STAND when a couple is taking up 2X their allotted personal space because the dude is standing behind the girl with his arms around her, cooing the most poignant part of the song into her ear. On the flip-side, I love watching the same scenario play out but with a girl who isn’t into the music and is getting pushed around way more than she’s comfortable with. You kind of see the fear and annoyance growing in her eyes, and you know it’s only a matter of time before the couple peaces out and you can swoop into their spot.

Here I am following all of the rules - standing in the front with my hair in a bun, clearly not worried about being image-conscious.

4. Don’t wear the t-shirt of the band you’re going to see
This is an age old rule of concert-going, with the theory being that if you’re going to see the band you’re obviously a fan and thus no need to display it on a t-shirt. I agree it’s slightly dorky, but A. It’s totally annoying to have to carry your merch around for the whole show (and you know you’re not going to feel like buying it once the concert is over) and B. I’d much prefer a concert filled with people unconcerned with what they’re wearing and more concerned with the music they’re seeing. Which brings me to my next point…

5. Don’t be a dick.
Even the most amazing concert will be ruined by a shitty audience. This is best exemplified at indie shows often crawling with alleged “hipsters.” Such people, writhing with the desire to fit in and look cool, will go so far as to project their feelings of insecurity onto you by being cold and unfriendly. And that’s no fun. I’ve seriously been to concerts where absolutely nobody was dancing because every person was waiting for somebody else to do it first- although I wonder how you can even dance in all that weird trendy shit. Worse than hipsters, though, are people who are just plain rude. You’re at a concert: Lighten up, get drunk and have a good time. Unless you’re at Nickelback, then kill yourself.


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Comments

  1. Dad was reading this out loud and suddenly I said, “Gee, this sounds just like Angela.” Duh! Can’t believe you didn’t mention overenthusiastic bouncers..but guess that isn’t quite what this is about.

  2. “Never made it as a wise man, couldn’t cut it as a poor man stealin’……this is how you remind me..”- Jackie

  3. “Unless you’re at Nickelback, then kill yourself.”

    hahahah. Cheers to that!

  4. ❤ #1 and #3. I saw this one couple pretty much dry humping during a show once…just leave and get it on already cuz well, you're giving the guy blue balls. Gross. Okay and I guess #2 is fine unless a 6'5 dude swoops in and just stands in front of you cuz I call that rude.

  5. Ivan Cordero says:

    6.) dont complain if someones touches/pushes into you! Ex: Dismemberment plan in nyc. girl yelled at me cuz i pushed into her. i laughed for i knew she wouldnt last very long in this crowd… few songs later, i noticed she was def not around anymore

    7.) dont throw anything at les claypool! he will definitely make fun of you in front of the whole crowd.

    AHHH! i think i remember that girl at Big D show too, haha!!! my hair is getting long aswell… ill probably tie it back at the next concert, good rule! i like the example pic too!! i will try to be like you.

  6. Agreed on not worrying about bruises. It usually isn’t a good show unless you feel incredibly sore the next morning.

    Blood loss is another thing, I still can’t believe I got bit at Warped Tour once.

  7. Ivan Cordero says:

    ^ Oooh snapp!!! ha new rule then: Bring mouth-gaurd so u dont accidently bite people?!?!

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