I wanna sext you up.

I’m sure by now everybody has heard about the big Anthony Weiner sexting scandal.

Weiner's a weenie.

You know, the one where the New York democratic rep. sent sexy-time pics and messages to a plethora of young female fans over Twitter and Facebook?

The messages, some of which included Weiner shirtless or with “bulging-underpants,” were leaked earlier this month to a shocked and appalled country, and now the (married) politician is doing some serious damage control.

Despite the fact that only a complete idiot would use two of the world’s largest social networks to send racy pictures and messages, news and media outlets are now clamoring to educate the youth on the dangers of “sexting,” lest an entire generation becomes corrupted and starts using ass and titty shots as their Facebook defaults.

Is this really going to become an issue now? Are we going to be bombarded with daytime specials* and news reports about how to stop your kid from sending awkward pics of semis to brace-faced cheerleaders who can’t even read Cosmo sex tips without blushing? (I blush when I read Cosmo sex tips, but that’s because I’m embarrassed at how terrible and blatantly obvious they are.) [*Leave it to Tyra to stay ahead of the curve.]

He's actually kind of hot. But what's with the cat?

The whole concept of sexting is nothing new. As long as there are new forms of communication, there will always be new forms of humiliation that follow. I think I was in 6th grade when dial-up Internet began to invade households, and you know my perverted friends and I were having a field day with that shit. Nothing curbs adolescent boredom like playing a game of “Who Can Get Somebody to Send Them a Cock Shot First?” As my parents read this and recoil in horror, take comfort in the fact that none of us were ever stupid enough to send any pictures back to the weirdos hanging out in the “Single and Lonely” AIM chat-rooms… and that your daughter is great at getting strangers to send her pictures of their penises.

Even now as a 24-year-old I find myself playing similar sicko games, but the forum has changed from chat-rooms and AIM conversations to text messages and Skype (don’t even get me started about being naked on Skype because that’s a whole article unto itself). Last week my friend and I were bored and after a couple glasses of wine decided it would be funny to convince an old hookup to send me (us) a picture of his wangdoodle. It wasn’t just funny… it was hilarious.

Alas, I can’t play completely innocent in this situation, for I won’t deny the fact that I, too, have sexted. I’m actually a big advocate for sending out a sexy pic or steamy text… TO YOUR BOYFRIEND. All of the times I have done it, it was always sent to somebody I was dating and trusted at the time. (“At the time” being the operative phrase here. God only know where those pictures are now, but hopefully somebody’s getting some enjoyment out of them.)

With the amount of hours I spent toiling over the camera on my Verizon LG flip-phone trying to get the perfect pic, I probably could have cured cancer. Instead, I paced wildly around my bedroom adjusting lamps and lighting in the hopes of finding the perfect amount of shadow that would make my cleavage look bigger and my waist look smaller. If my naked body is going to get released onto the interweb, I better look hot, dammit!

I could wash an American Flag on those pecs...

While I may be a big supporter of sexting the ones that you love, I realize that not everybody is as linguistically-adept in such situations as I am (#slut). To help some of the more shy readers out there, I’ve created a few templates which cover the basic sexting scenarios. They’re kind of like MadLibs, only you’re actually supposed to use dirty words:

Generic Sext #1
“I want your [adjective] [cylindrical-shaped noun] inside my [adjective often describing temperature] [noun with a similar consistency to apple pie or a bowl of jello].”

Generic Sext #2
“When I think about your [noun for reproductive organ of your choice], it makes me so [adjective or noun that means ‘not bummed’].”

Generic Sext #3
(In response to a sexy picture message)
“Is that a [noun, preferably a desert or sand-dwelling creature] in your pants or are you just [adjective that describes the demeanor of a dog when its owner comes home from work] to see me?”

Don’t be afraid to mix and match phrases, or even try some of your own material! Just remember to be careful of who you’re sending them to, and make sure that any nudie pics you take have your face cut off.

Oh, and, if you hold a job in public office and your last name is a homonym for “penis,” you might want to consider just putting the cellphone down before you ruin the fun for the rest of us.

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Comments

  1. This is hysterical as always.
    Point 1. Weiner is pretty hot..had no clue.
    Point 2. Absolutely this is a generational difference. Unless a pro took the most amazing pic of me that I could follow from start to finishwhere it went there is no way I would just send a photo off into cyber space . Yikes.. I’d live in fear every day! How could you trust someone you just happen to be involved with at the “moment”? Too many exes get angry and soon the pics become a way to payback a grudge and it is being shown to everyone everywhere.
    Point 3. I really don’t care to see anyone elses wangdoodle. Bare chest..sexy pic..yes.. but the whole deal? Not really.. nope. Not interested.
    See, generation thing.

  2. Winnie (Like the Bear) says:

    Angela!!! OMG! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA … You’re fricken killing me LOL! Hahahahahaha! You’re awful and I cannot WAIT for Rocky’s reaction when she reads this! Tears I tell you TEARS! ❤ ya kiddo

  3. well said ange!

  4. you forgot the standard sexting template. It can be used to send or receive a sexting message. Kind of like “aloha”
    it is…… “mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm”
    but with the “MMMMMMMMMM” you know they are one handed typing. Thing about that one ;-)~

  5. Anthony, please. Your junk is made specifically for stealth attacks and night missions. Nine times out of ten, you’re going to end up scaring the dudettes or worse, send them into hysterical laughter when you send them pictures of little Tony.

  6. SL so hard ahahahhahahaha

  7. As the friend who, after a couple glasses of wine, was a willing accomplice in getting that dude to send us a picture of his wiener, I have to say, it’s all about the journey. (Much like all of our 13 year old, dialing-up selves who encouraged chat room strangers to “lemme see what you’re working with.”)

    The result is never as exciting as the trashy game of chess you have to play to get someone to finally grab their camera and tug their undies down.

    And anyway, with sites like Chatroulette, et al, it’s just too easy to see some amateur wang in action these days. I miss working for it.

  8. you are hilariousssss. thakn you for making the rest of my afternoon at work today. much appreciated.

  9. COR COR says:

    ROTFLMAO!!!!! Oh and I want to know if Brandie was invilved in your perverted shit back in the day…CHANCES ARE THE ANSWER IS YES!

    Iknew there was something twisted about you when you slid down the stair railing NAKED!

  10. thanksssss guyssss! ahaha corrie you just made me laugh so loudly.

  11. @“Is that a [noun, preferably a desert or sand-dwelling creature] in your pants…”
    is it weird that the first noun that popped into my head was ‘camel’? i actually took at least a minute to work out what you were referring to. it’s been a looooooong week.

  12. +1 on the proper use of the word “homonym.”

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