Idiots and the FDA ruin Four Loko for the rest of us

Four Loko and other caffeinated alcoholic beverages will be off store shelves by December 13, after being issued letters of warning by the FDA- an action spurred by the rise in hospitalizations from consumption of the drinks.

Let’s give a big round of applause to both the FDA and all of the newb college freshman for providing us with yet another example of what happens when stupid people ruin the fun for everybody else.

This potential ban hits home particularly hard as I’ve recently become a Manhattanite which means I am poor and often looking for a cheap thrill. And at 24 ounces a can with a 12 percent alcohol content for only four bucks, Loko is the cheapest of thrills you can get. Well, that and playing a game of “Dead or Just Lifeless” by poking homeless people with sticks in the subway during your morning commute.

Four Loko manufacturers, Phusion Projects, have said they will reformulate their products to remove caffeine, gaurana and taurine nationwide according to an article in the Washington Post. Fortunately, Joose- the redheaded stepchild drink of Loko- has been less compliant. CEO Michael Michail said, ”United Brands disagrees with the FDA’s action and rationale, as well as the characterization of our products in the FDA ruling.  We have complied with all national and state regulations, and will continue to do so.” (Beer News.org)

I remember the first time I drank a Four Loko… actually I don’t. But I do remember waking up on my friend’s couch the next day, limping to the bathroom to vomit and running into his mother who I begged to get me “a glass of water and 3-4 saltines, please.” Thanks, Mrs. McNamera!

But honestly, I’ve drank a Four Loko plenty of times before going out; It’s the perfect pregame drink. The key in that sentence being a Four Loko- implying that only ONE was consumed. Drinking any more than two is when it might start getting detrimental to your health, mostly because of the “alleged” levels of caffeine it contains. Of course, this is coming from somebody who drinks a venti Bold Red Eye* from Starbucks and a 5 Hour Energy and takes a nap an hour later. At her desk. [*translation: A large of the strongest coffee at Starbucks + a shot of espresso.]

I have a hard time feeling sympathy for people who drink whole cases of these things and then do something horrible / have something horrible happen to them. It’s called common sense. Do you really think drinking anything that tastes that much like urine mixed with battery acid is going to have a positive outcome? And now because of a heart attack and a couple of hospitalizations the government has taken notice and is trying to be responsible. How cliché. This is like 2010’s version of prohibition which means it will ultimately lead to people making this “witch’s brew” in their basements right next to their meth lab and hydroponic closets.

The real kicker is that when doing research for this story (I use only scholarly articles to write these things) it seems that nobody can get the facts straight on the drink’s ingredients:

Even friends and coworkers can’t quite pin down what’s so bad about Four Loko, except that “it kills people,” to which I say, “stupidity kills stupid people.”

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Comments

  1. michael wilson says:

    Great article its about time I’ve heard a legitimate say from a consumers stand point. As someone who drank Joose or Loco on a semi regular basis i feel it was the perfect concoction for someone who can control themselves (sober or not) and it just figures that it’ll just be yanked from the shelves. i think that a major driver to getting these items pulled even though it was not made public was the loss of business to powerhouse beer breweries. If i owned such a company i would see it as a threat to my business because of the price, taste and variety difference between your average light beer. Even though i don’t have a meth lab or at least won’t go on record saying so i think my basement will be the perfect place to add a few 5 hour energy drinks to my Miller High-life when my favorite drinks are gone.

  2. Pfft. Stupid FDA. Another attempt to regulate something that’s pointless to regulate. Let the people be free maaaaaan! This is something Obama would be behind.

  3. damn. i never even got to try this.

  4. RIP loko ❤ you will forever be in my heart — and to the NYC cop who took my last loko that i may ever consume – i will find you one day and iii wiilll kkkiiilll yyouuu mWHAHAHA

  5. Rochelle Bunt says:

    Will you’re always picking on my man. Do you think Crystal drank one of these before she danced? That could explain a lot.

  6. jackie: mom do you mean bristol?

  7. big daddy says:

    man up. a black beauty and a pint of vodka are delicious and healthy allternatives to this stuff.

  8. big daddy says:

    rochelle, will has got to be brighter than to buy in to the alaska hillbilliy crowd, right?

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