Shaq. is. the. man. [by Chris Carlson]

shaq_attackMichael Jordan is the NBA’s greatest player. Bill Russell is the best big man. Wilt Chamberlain is the all-time top scorer where it counts (apologies to second-place Shawn Kemp).

But Shaquille O’Neal quickly rose to the top of the most important list in the league’s history. He is, by far, the coolest player ever.

O’Neal refers to himself as the sexiest 7-footer in history, and no one argues. He’s a real-life super hero, stopping crime in his spare time. He’s a rapper and an actor. When young, he tore down backboards, and this summer he asked Kobe Bryant “how’s my ass taste?”

UPDATE: JSutel turned Buntology on to Shaq’s twitter. Do yourself a favor and check it out.

(Actually, given Kobe’s past, I prefer he stay as far away from my ass as possible — hello Eagle, Colo.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0924041kobea1.html — so perhaps that’s the lone black mark against Shaq.)

Shaq is what every suburban boy strives to be, 7-foot-1, 350 pounds with a smile, ego and wallet just as big, especially now that he’s shown he can dance with the Jabbawockeez.

If that’s not enough for you dreaming teens, he also has the love of the Bunts, who professed their affection this summer.

With that, we leave you with another pearl of wisdom from the Big Aristotle.

“Some things you just can’t question. Like you can’t question why two plus two is four. So don’t question it, don’t try to look it up. I don’t know who made it, all I know is it was put in my head that two plus two is four. So certain things happen. Why does it rain? Why am I so sexy? I don’t know.”

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Comments

  1. I agree that Shaq is by far the best personality to ever play in the NBA but Wilt Chamberlain is not the top scorer. He is actually fourth on the all time scorer list behind Kareem Abdul-Jabbar( the all time leading scorer), the mail man Karl Malone, and his airness Michael Jordan.

  2. Chris Carlson says:

    Ah, contraire. Wilt is the leading scorer in the bedroom, with, by his recollection, over 2,000 women left behind in his wake. That’s why he ranks first in scoring my friend. Kemp is second by virtue oh his 19 children, nearly none with a repeat customer.

  3. i love it, chris!

    i said to my friend cosky that magic johnson is the best nba player because he found the cure for aids, to which he said “money?”

  4. Shaq’s ‘Tell me how my Ass Tastes’ song caused the Bunt’s more hysterical laughter on their vacation last summer than anything else. Was it the salt air? The partying? the total lack of responsibility? Or just something in that song that made us all laugh til we cried? No matter…it made him our hero and an adopted Bunt.

  5. Kobe, nigga: Tell me how my ass tastes!

  6. Gotta mention Shaq’s amazing Twitter feed too, including bits of genius such as:

    “Just leavn lebrons party, i have no voice, can u hear this , ………………. C i told u , no voice, lol”

    http://twitter.com/THE_REAL_SHAQ

  7. chris carlson says:

    This Cosky guy seems spot on. He should write sports for Buntology!

  8. My favorite Shaq quote:

    “I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money. All I want to do is play the game, drink Pepsi and wear Reebok.”

    Shaq is by far the coolest. Another good job by Buntology.

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