Patrick RoboTrips for Buntology!

This week, Buntology addiction writer Patrick address issues such as: Why does Nickelback suck? Why is Jim Carrey mailing it in? And Sir Paul – a “pussy”? (Don’t worry, saying that hurts Patrick as much as it hurts us.) Read on …

Wow. My beat on Buntology.com is addiction. Does that mean the Bunts will pay for me to experiment with all kinds of substances and see if I get hooked? (We won’t pay, but we’ll help you. In the name of science!) Always wanted to try the RoboTrip. You know, when you guzzle a whole bottle of Robitussin, and 10 minutes later you’re on Mars, making friends with E.T.

Or how about doing mushrooms before flying on an airplane? Good God. Could you imagine? Pretty good odds you’d end up on the 11 o’clock news. “This just in. A commercial flight had to make an emergency landing after an unruly passenger locked himself in the bathroom and started uncontrollably weeping while reciting lines from one of Charles Manson’s songs recorded in prison. No one was injured on the flight, but more than 100 passengers vowed to never fly on an airplane again.”

Clearly, I really don’t know what to write about because I’m still smoking and I have no intentions to quit anytime in the immediate future. Last year, I promised myself I’d quit before I was 25. Maybe I’ll stick with that. Seven more months, baby!

Since there’s nothing to report on regarding my cigarette addiction, perhaps I can provide some commentary on other people’s addictions. That’s always fun.

1) Nickelback’s addiction to making horrid sounds.

Very rarely do I listen to the radio anymore. But last week, I gave it a go. Three Nickelback songs in a half-hour! That’s just bad news for society.

I must admit that in high school, I liked their first single. Young and stupid. But we’ve all got skeletons in our closet. Unfortunately, mine is an actual skeleton in the form of Chad Kroeger. I’m sure everyone and their dog assumed that Nickelback would be a one-hit wonder, but nowadays, an “artist” can release the same song over and over again but with a different title, and still get it played on the radio and go double-platinum.

If Nickelback dies in a plane crash, I’ll quit smoking. That’s a promise.

2) Jim Carrey’s addiction to “I’m losing my mind” roles.

I haven’t seen “Yes Man,” but doesn’t it look like “Liar Liar 2”? Or “Bruce Almighty 2” Or “The Mask 2”? Wait, there was a Mask 2. Jamie Kennedy starred in it. Won an Oscar, I think.

My point is, Jim Carrey is still being typecast, and I thought he was above that. It’s like he walks into his agent’s office and says, “Remember, I’m Jim Carrey, and I’m at my best when my character has no control over his body or actions. Let the hilarity ensue.”

But before you categorize me as a Carrey-hater, HEEEELLLLS NO! I loved “Ace Ventura,” “Dumb and Dumber” is a classic and I’d put “The Truman Show” and “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” on my Movies to Be Stranded With on a Desert Island list. Assuming, of course, there is a DVD player or VCR on said desert island.

All I’m saying, Jim (and I know he’s reading), is that you’ve proven yourself as a dramatic actor (sans “The Number 23”) so keep spreading your wings. Don’t go backwards. Imagine if Heath Ledger’s last movie was a teen comedy like “10 Things I Hate About You”? The legacy would be tainted a bit.

3) Paul McCartney’s addiction to being a tool. (MOM please read on before you freak out!)

I love Paul’s music. He’s written some of my favorites, but he just keeps on trying to be the most lovable Beatle. Give it a rest, Paul.

This is from the Web site www.guardian.co.uk. This story goes a couple months back, so sorry if it’s old news to you.

Whereas John Lennon is widely considered the “political one,” penning songs like “Revolution” and “Give Peace a Chance,” sweet Sir Paul is now presenting an alternative history. In a forthcoming interview with Prospect magazine, McCartney claims to have been the catalyst for the group’s anti-war position.

“Just when we were getting to be well-known, someone said to me: ‘Bertrand Russell is living not far from here in Chelsea, why don’t you go and see him?'” McCartney said. Russell, then in his 90s, was a prominent philosopher and activist. “So I just took a taxi down there and knocked on the door.”

“He was fabulous. He told me about the Vietnam war – most of us didn’t know about it, it wasn’t yet in the papers – and also that it was a very bad war.”

That, McCartney explained, was enough. Filled with idealism, conviction and, er, a smattering of current events, “I remember going back to the studio either that evening or the next day and telling the guys, particularly John, about this meeting and saying what a bad war this was.”

“We sort of stumbled into things,” McCartney admitted.

While it’s John Lennon who has retained the reputation for rabble-rousing, “I politicized the Beatles,” McCartney insisted.

This reminds me of how McCartney went public about doing LSD after the rest of the band had been doing it for a couple years. If McCartney was so “political,” why was he such a pussy with the media? John spoke his mind all the god damn time, and we’re supposed to believe Paul was the mastermind behind the Beatles’ politics?

Puh … puh… puh…puh.. PLEASE!!!

Paul was the politician of the band, not the political one. There’s a difference.

I still believe it was Paul’s idea to start the rumor that he was dead. He needed the attention. He even married that one-legged chick from “Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigelow.” Another ploy for Sir Paul to see his name in the newspapers. “I Saw Her Awkwardly Standing There” was the couple’s wedding song.

I mean, C’MON! The man was the first artist to join the Starbucks music label. Is there any more conceivable way to sell out than having your music sold at Starbucks!? I’m just waiting for him to collaborate with Nickelback. I’m only half-joking. It could happen.

Wow. That was exhausting. I love you, Paul (he’s obviously reading). Bashing a Beatle is not fun.

I think I’ll go RoboTrip to feel better.